Romancing the Celestial Mage
by Nightlingbolt
Summary: Lucy just wanted to write, but NO! Natsu makes a bad confession of love, causing the others to demonstrate how to win a woman's heart... or how not to. Multiple Lucy pairings, but ultimately Natsu/Lucy. T for language. One-shot.


**Hello, people! Nightlingbolt here! Welcome to my first Fairy Tail fan fiction!**

**Urgh, didn't come out like I wanted, but you know how it goes. You have an idea, but setting the scene is a bitch. I tried not to focus that much on the scene this time, since that's like half my word count in most fics. I am kind of proud of the humor in this story, though.**

**Bear in mind I'm only on the middle-late part of Oracion Seis, so I don't really know the characters beyond that well, so that's why Pantherlily's not in here with Gazille. Hell, some of 'em, like Jet and Droy are so minor I hardly remember them at all. I know Jet uses speed and Droy uses plants, but that's about it.**

**I just want to say I don't own Fairy Tail, and also I'd like to see more Natsu/Erza, Erza/Lucy, Gazille/Juvia, hell, even Erza/Gazille or Gazille/Erza.**

* * *

"I'm not so sure about this, Erza."

"Natsu, this was your idea, you have to execute it! Now go!"

"Okay, okay!"

"And for God's sake, be romantic!"

"Right! Romantic!"

* * *

It was just another day for the Fairy Tail guild. Mages were either taking missions, getting drunk, or getting into fistfights with one another. Lucy was sitting at the end of one of the less crowded tables – all the better for her to brainstorm ideas for her novel.

"Lucy! Hey, Lucy!" a certain Salamander called out to her, the Titania on his heels.

Lucy sighed. Great, Natsu probably found them a mission. And on a day when she just wanted to work on her book. "Natsu, I'm working over here," she said with annoyance. "Can't it wait?"

"Well, I guess-" Erza cut him off there.

"No, it can't wait, Lucy," she said. "Natsu has something very important he wants to share with you."

Lucy groaned. "Fine, just share it and get lost," she said.

Natsu gulped. "Uh, Erza, maybe this isn't the best time," he said.

Erza sighed. "Natsu, have you ever heard the saying, 'There's no time like the present?'" The Dragon Slayer nodded. "Well, this is the present, so get to it! And be you-know-what about it!" Erza snapped.

"Ma'am, yes ma'am!" Natsu said with a salute. He had originally planned on a simple declaration of love, but Erza would not have any of that. Suddenly, he picked up Gray's scent coming closer (_"That guy really needs to lay off the cologne,"_ he thought), and his mind instantly formed a poem.

"Well, Natsu?" said Lucy impatiently. Natsu cleared his throat and began to recite his verse.

"_Fire is red,  
__Ice is blue,  
__Gray is a loser,  
__And I love you."_

Amidst Lucy's screams and Erza's facepalming, Gray appeared behind the Dragon Slayer and yelled "WHAT DID YOU SAY, YOU FLAME-HEADED IDIOT?"

"Gray, you'll have your turn!" Erza barked furiously. "And Natsu, what the FUCK was that? That wasn't romantic in the slightest!" By this point, people started to stare because, it wasn't often Erza said the F-word.

"I thought girls like poetry!" said Natsu!

"Yeah, GOOD poetry! Not that 'roses are red, violets are blue' crap!" Erza yelled back.

"I used fire and ice!" Natsu countered.

"It's the same damn thing!" yelled Erza. The S-Class mage took a calming breath, and said, "Watch and learn, Natsu. This is how to be romantic." She stepped in front of Lucy and dropped to one knee, raising one hand in the air and putting the other to her chest.

"But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Lucy is the sun! See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand! O, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!" Erza recited, not intimidated of the stares she was receiving, most likely unaware of them.

"E-E-Erza…" Lucy stuttered.

"She speaks!" Erza exclaimed. "O, speak again, bright angel, for thou art as glorious to this night, being o'er my head!"

Gray gave a disapproving scoff. "Shakespeare? Do you really think Lucy's going to be impressed with a cliché like that? I mean, for God's sake, she's a writer! She's probably heard all the sonnets before."

"I was just giving Natsu an example on how to romance a woman," said Erza.

"THAT WASN'T ROMANTIC AT ALL!" yelled Lucy.

"Oh yeah? Well, step aside, amateurs! Gray's got just the thing," Gray announced. He then started to strip.

"SHE DOESN'T NEED A STRIPTEASE, YOU IDIOT!" yelled Erza.

"Shut up! I need to feel as much of a chill as I can for this!" Gray retorted. He put his hands together, concentrated on Lucy, and…

"Ice Make… LUCY!"

An ice sculpture of Lucy appeared. Lucy yelled in surprise.

"An ice girl for a nice girl," said Gray proudly. Everyone stared at the ice Lucy for a moment. Finally, Lucy spoke.

"Well, it is kind of impressive," she said.

"And the use of witty wordplay is a nice touch," agreed Erza. "Still, if that were me, I doubt I'd be taking my clothes off for you anytime soon."

Natsu just shot a flame at the sculpture, causing it to melt entirely. He then turned to face Gray and said with a grin, "Salamander's Pun-ishment."

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD I WORKED ON THAT?" yelled Grat

"WHAT? LUCY WAS RIGHT THERE! YOU HAD A SOURCE!" Natsu shouted right back.

"I HAD TO VISUALIZE THE BREASTS PERFECTLY! LIFE-SIZE SCULPTURES AREN'T EASY, YOU KNOW!"

"YOU WERE LOOKING AT MY BOOBS?" yelled Lucy.

Erza just shook her head.

"When you speak of romance, there is no greater authority than I," said a voice. Then, Loke appeared next to the group in a flash of light.

"Loke!"

"Loke!"

"Loke!"

"Now we're screwed," said Gray.

"Lady and gentlemen, you've been going about this all wrong!" said Loke. "You don't need fancy sculptures, clever puns, or bad poetry. No, what a woman really desires is… compliments!"

"Told you it was bad," Erza said to Natsu.

"Ah, shaddup," muttered the Dragon Slayer.

Loke locked eyes with Lucy. "Ah, Lucy! Your eyes, brown like orbs of the richest chocolate! Your hair, as golden as the stars in the night sky! Your skin, fairer than freshly fallen snow! Oh, dear Lucy, won't you please be mine, if only for tonight?"

"FORCED GATE CLOSURE!" yelled Lucy, holding up Loke's key. And just like that, Loke disappeared back into the Celestial Spirit World.

Everyone stared at where Loke was. "All he really did was describe her," said Gray.

Suddenly, Elfman turned his head from where he was sitting. "Ha!" he scoffed. "So far all your attempts have been boyish at best!"

"...What would you call mine?" muttered Erza.

"And now, allow me to show you…" he stood up and ripped his shirt off, exposing his muscular body.

"…how a REAL man wins a woman's heart!" Elfman finished. With that, he began flexing his muscles and making all kinds of ridiculous bodybuilder poses. Poor Elfman was too into it to realize Natsu and Gray were openly laughing at him. Hell, even Erza couldn't surpress a chuckle. Poor Lucy, however, was mortified. It was only by the intervention of a passing Mirajane that Elfman was put in his place. Shamed, he returned to his meal in silence.

Suddenly, Team Natsu heard the sound of metal boots stomping. They turned around and saw a less than pleased Gazille, guitar in hand.

"Would you assholes mind shutting the hell up? I'm trying to write a song, and I can't get any work done with all this yammering!" said Gazille harshly.

"_Thank God, a kindred spirit!"_ thought Lucy.

"Sorry about that, Gazille-san," said Erza, though secretly, she was glad for any excuse to get under the Iron Dragon Slayer's skin. "We were just showing Natsu the proper way to romance a woman."

"_How has anything they've done so far been 'proper?'"_ Lucy screamed in her head.

"Hmph… I dunno what you idiots tried already, but if I were a chick, a nice romantic song would win me over in a heartbeat," said Gazille as he sat down next to Lucy and started to play.

"_Stronger than the strongest steel,  
__These feelings that you're making me feel,  
__I hardly can believe they're real,  
__And I love you."_

Everyone stared at Gazille when his song was done.

"Damn, he's good," said Gray.

"And he sang from the heart," added Erza.

"Eh, could be longer," quipped Natsu.

"Well I just came up with the lyrics now, jackass!" yelled Gazille.

"I hate to admit it, but they were pretty good," said Erza.

Gazille's eyes lit up. "You really think so?" he asked. "Then I gotta write 'em down!" He reached for Lucy's pencil and a page she wrote on.

"Hey!" shouted Lucy, but she couldn't stop Gazille from grabbing what he needed. He turned the page over to the blank side and began to write. "Stronger… than… the… strongest…" Gazille muttered.

"GIVE ME THAT!" Lucy yelled, snatching the materials back. She glared at the group assembled with a look that could kill.

"All… I wanted… for today… was to work on my book… IN SILENCE!" Lucy ground out. "But NO! Your antics today have DRIVEN any and all creativity OUT OF ME! Now get your sorry asses OUT OF MY SIGHT before I TEAR OUT YOUR SPLEENS WITH MY BARE HANDS! AND YES, I KNOW WHERE THE SPLEEN IS!"

The whole guild fell silent upon Lucy's outburst. No one dared to say a word for fear of further provoking the Celestial Mage's wrath any further than it already was.

"Hey, let's go on a mission," said Natsu nervously. Erza, Gray, and Gazille all murmured their agreement and followed the Salamander to the mission board.

Now alone, Lucy released a heavy sigh. _"Stupid Natsu… this is all his fault!"_ she thought._ "Though maybe his stupidity is the reason I like him…"_ She shook her head at the thought. "Nah! It couldn't be… could it?" she wondered out loud.

Perhaps she would never know.


End file.
